


The Air that I Breathe

by A_Shields



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst, Callum at the end of his tether, Couldn't think of a title so used a song title, Deaf Character, I'm bad at tags, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:34:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23278687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Shields/pseuds/A_Shields
Summary: Just my thoughts on some of the spoilers for the upcoming episodes, I'm probably way off the mark though! Obviously this will contain some spoilers.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 5
Kudos: 54





	The Air that I Breathe

**Author's Note:**

> Like a lot of people I'm stuck at home and struggling with the current Eastenders drought so thought I'd have a go at writing a fic. It's my first attempt and I'm quite nervous to post so please be kind! Sorry for any mistakes, hope you enjoy!

His thoughts swirled, lapping against his skull like waves and suddenly he was back in the Thames. Struggling for breath and clarity and Callum. His deep breath steadied him as his mind raced, the waves becoming stronger. They built momentum, overpowering every other thought, every other crackle in Ben’s head, threatening to drown him until he can’t hold on anymore. It’s a test of endurance and a race to the finish line- what will break first- the waves or him? He braces himself against the bar top, pressing is palm into his forehead in an attempt to force them out- he’s learnt that covering his ears is a futile exercise. Finally, Ben wins, the waves crashing and breaking against the white noise that has become his world. Silence. 

I might be deaf Callum, but it ain’t gonna change who I am

The events of the previous day came back to him. How he’d have to wait 4 weeks for his operation, how it might not work and that he may never hear again, that the only certainty in his future could be drowning in roaring silence for the rest of his life. He had to do this. He had to show everyone that he might not be able to hear but he is still Ben Mitchell and he is still a force to be reckoned with. He had to show Callum that he was still strong, still the man he fell in love with. He had to show himself that he could still do it. He had never let his hearing stop him before and he wasn’t going to start now. And yes, there it was. The tiny niggling thought in the back of his mind.

Dad.

He hadn’t even bothered to show his face since the boat crash. Ben didn’t even know if Phil knew about his hearing loss, or Dennis dying for that matter. The last Phil knew of Ben he was holding a gun to him willing to shoot to save Callum. Ben let out the breath he hadn’t realised he was holding, shaking his head slightly at what his relationship with his father had come to. He couldn’t be surprised, not really, a mere few months ago he had come back to Walford to finish his dad, he had been so close to ending him in his hospital room, Ben’s hands flexed around his breathing tube. But still, aiming a gun at his dad and threatening to shoot was something else, and the fact that is was for Ben’s boyfriend felt even more poetic. Gay son finally snaps at his homophobic, negligent father- and all for the love of his boyfriend. Ben is sure that the laugh that escapes his lips sounds as manic and hysterical as he feels. 

But he was also proud. Proud of himself for standing up to his dad, for fighting for the person who he loved, the person who loved him. For finally putting himself and his happiness above what his dad wanted or expected of him. And he would do it again, and again and again and again. He would do anything for Callum.   
In spite of everything though, Ben had to be the man Phil wanted him to be whenever he returned. He couldn’t let himself be weak when his dad got back, he couldn’t let him see how much this had turned Ben’s life upside down. He had to be strong. He had to be a Mitchell.  
And that meant burying whatever pain was eating away at him today and instead, throwing his weight around.   
Ben looked around, Hugo was still in the bathroom, so he got up quickly from his seat at the bar of the Prince Albert and took Hugo’s car keys out of his coat pocket. Jaw locked and eyes narrowed into his trademark scowl, he strode purposefully out of the bar. 

****

Callum lay sprawled across his bed, staring at the ceiling with sore eyes, a runny nose and a knot in his stomach so tight he felt that it must have been tied by a sailor. He knew he should get up- his police assessment was in an hour; his second police assessment. He was dressed in his suit and had revised until his brain couldn’t take any more information, but he couldn’t move. Instead he lay there, paralysed by the image of Ben’s hands on another man.

It had been two hours since he had popped into the café for a coffee and Kathy had told him she’d seen Ben getting cosy with a random guy at the Albert. She had tried to dance around giving him more information- information he could see in her eyes that she had, amongst the disappointment, concern and what Callum really hoped wasn’t but couldn’t deny, was pity. It was probably this that meant that she finally relented with the words that sent Callum spinning out of control. “Callum, Ben left with him.”  
He trusted Ben, of course he did. And there was no doubt in his mind that he loved him, and he was pretty sure that Ben loved him too, although that was always one of the first thoughts to get away from him on a bad day. It would root itself into his chest and spread like wildfire. Making his chest constrict and lungs burn with a lack of air. Ben doesn’t love him. He never had. He never will. He doesn’t want your love. Who would? You’re worthless and stupid and Halfway. You’re not a man, you couldn’t even hack the army. No. he couldn’t open up that Pandora’s box that he’d locked away in the deep recesses of his mind the second he’d landed back on home soil. Not now, not ever. 

He was thankfully pulled out of that reverie by the sound of his phone buzzing on his bedside table. He quickly scrambled to answer it, hoping to be met by three letters on the screen telling him that Ben still knew he existed, he was met by four. “Jack” Callum’s frustrated sigh was not lost on his friend.

“Callum, you alright mate? You sound stressed” Callum bit back the agitated scoff he was about to release, this wasn’t Jack’s fault. 

“Yeah. Yeah I’m ok. Just… worried about my assessment is all” Callum scrunched his eyes at this, despite finally being able to live as his true self, he had gotten pretty good at lying in recent months. 

“Ah, well I’m sorry mate but I’ve got some news for you that only gonna make your day worse.” Callum could feel the already impossibly tight knot in his stomach constrict further, his heart quickening in anticipation. “Oh, what news is that then?” he could tell his voice sounded much more stained that he wanted it to, but much less than he felt, so that was something.

“I’m at the station, Ben is here, he’s been arrested. He stole a car and was picked up just outside Essex.” The knot unravelled; Callum unravelled. Since accident he had felt like a long piece of string stretched so far that he could snap any second. He had finally snapped. He felt a hollow void in his gut replacing the knot that was there, which suddenly he missed like his right arm. He took a deep breath. And another, and another. Rubbing his hands over his face to try to steady himself, to extinguish his anger and stifle the panic banging against his still bruised ribs, trying to escape. 

“Ok” he let out a long breath, hoping that Jack didn’t catch how it hitched. “Ok, I’ll be there in 10. Thanks Jack.” He didn’t wait for Jack’s response before slipping on his shoes and sprinting to Walford Police Station. 

****

“Thanks.” Callum offered a small smile to Jack as he took the steaming cup of tea. Jack took a seat net to Callum in the waiting room of the police station. 

“It’s not much, just from the vending machine. Can’t get you the good stuff for the staff yet, but don’t worry, it won’t be long until you’re one of us.” Despite the playful smile and nudge on the arm, Jack’s way of reassuring him, Callum ignored him. He was staring intently into his cup, watching as the steam dissipated into thin air, hoping that he could do the same. The heat was radiating through the plastic and burning his fingers. He tightened his grip. 

“Ben will be out soon, they’re just processin him for his release.” Jack added as the silence stretched on “Callum, I don’t mean to pry mate but what are you doin? With Ben I mean.” This snapped Callum back to the present. He was stunned, a heat rose through him, ready to blast Jack for asking such a stupid question. A question Callum wonders if he would ask if Ben was a woman, but he pushed that from his mind. In spite, or maybe because of his anger, he couldn’t translate the thoughts in his messy mind into words, stuttering and spluttering, trying and failing to come to Ben’s defence. 

He would always fight for Ben, of course he would, but it seemed he had unknowingly decided not to put too much into this particular fight, perhaps it was the not knowing what he was defending this time, or maybe the possibility of his betrayal. Callum hoped that it was just that he was tired, exhausted from weeks of fighting for every second with the man he loved, only for that precious time to be spent fighting with him instead. 

“I ain’t bein funny mate but you know he’s got previous. We’re talkin serious crimes here, and don’t even get me started on Phil.” Callum shifted in his seat at the mention of Phil. Anecdotes of Ben’s childhood came few and far between, but Callum had made an effort to remember every one of them; Ben dancing around his old living room above the Vic to showtunes with his nan, wanting so badly to be able to express himself doing what he loved but being ridiculed by just thinking about it. He knew how that felt, in a different way, sure, but the result was the same, and it’s what brought him and Ben together. 

“Ben ain’t his dad. You can’t judge Ben for Phil’s mistakes.” The words left him before he knew they were coming, a heat behind them that Callum didn’t want to direct towards a man who may be his boss one day. He took a gulp of his tea, grimacing slightly first at the scolding heat as it slipped down his throat, then at its failure to make a dent at the emptiness in his gut. 

“I didn’t wanna have to say it but bein with him will hurt your career in the force. No one will take you serious, trust you to not be a bent copper.” Jack’s previous hesitation had dissolved into outright pleading now, trying to get Callum to see sense. 

“Really Jack? Tell me, how exactly would you know that? Oh, yeah, had your fair share of Mitchells ‘aven’t you?” Callum regretted his words the second he said them, what an idiot.   
“I’m sorry Jack, that was out of line I just..” Jack’s stricken face softened, but he still didn’t look at Callum for a while. 

“My life ain’t just my work though Jack. You don’t get it, I don’t blame you really. But when you’ve spent your whole life denying who you are, being told you’re dirty and wrong, watching your dad and brother beat up people that you resonated with so much for sport” Callum didn’t remember standing up, and his voice sounded foreign. Louder than he thought he had allowed for a police station waiting room and with a hardness he rarely let escape. He was surprised at how the fire within him was still going, how it was being stoked by even the smallest of things at this point. Callum didn’t like it, it didn’t feel like him, but he knew this streak was in him, he had seen glimpse of it throughout his life, especially in the last few months. He knew he had to get it out, and that he’d feel better for it afterwards, if Jack was the unlucky git to be caught in it then so be it- Callum had spent his whole life being caught in the crossfire. 

“maybe if you had that- and I ain’t wishing it on you- course not. I wouldn’t wish that on no one. But if you had, then maybe you’d get it, that finally I have a man I really love, and he cares for me too. And it ain’t wrong, or dirty or anything other than beautiful” his face finally softened as he slumped into a chair opposite Jack, placing his elbows on his thighs and allowing his head to slump into his hands, finally looking as exhausted as he felt “ and I ain’t gonna give that up” he added, it was softer than when he spoke before, but his determination was evident. 

****

“What, no welcoming committee?” Ben was stood in the waiting room, his eyes hard and chin raised slightly in defiance, a light smirk on his lips. Callum tried not to let show the wave of relive that rippled through him at the sight of Ben, he was pissed off, sure, and Callum knew that would make any conversation or reasoning with him pointless. But he was unharmed, there were no blue or purple patches littering his face. No red streaks showing like cracks in a mask. On the surface at least, Ben was ok. 

This time. 

“I’ll leave you to it.” Jack shot Callum a reassuring look, clapping him on the back before standing, giving Ben a disapproving glance and disappearing into the corridor. 

Ben and Callum stayed in silence for a few moments, Callum didn’t want to look at him as he spoke until he remembered that he had to. “You ok?” He couldn’t help the concern that was evident on his face, Ben’s wellbeing would always be his priority, and he hoped that Ben would stop throwing that back in his face soon. 

“I’m fine. I’m a big boy Callum you don’t need to worry ‘bout me.”

“Don’t. Don’t give me that Ben! You can’t get arrested and tell me not to worry about you then take some cocky moral high ground. It don’t work like that!” The anger that fuelled Callum’s outburst was doused in ice cold water when he saw Ben’s eyes frantically watching his lips, trying desperately to catch Callum’s words like sand slipping through his fingers. Callum crossed the room, placing his hand on his boyfriend’s shoulder “it’s ok. Let’s get out of here” the sound of an officer sat at the reception desk clearing his throat reminding Callum of their surroundings. “Talk somewhere a bit more private”

The walk back to Callum’s flat was a quiet one. It had gotten dark outside while they were in the station and Callum didn’t know if Ben would be able to read his lips in the darkness. He didn’t want Ben getting any more worked up so he stayed silent. It suited Callum, he wasn’t in the mood for talking yet anyway. Instead he just walked, taking in deep breaths of the fresh early spring air into his lungs and hoping that it would flush out some of the anxiety and adrenaline that had been swirling inside him all day. 

“So, come on then lets ‘ave it” Ben wasted no time, cornering Callum the second he put his keys on the table. 

“What?” Callum couldn’t tell if the accompanying sigh was more exasperated or exhausted, either fit. 

“’ave a go at me. I was bad! Got myself arrested!” the vulnerability Ben showed earlier had been replaced by heat, and he was absolutely not in the mood for a constructive conversation. “Come on Miss Congenitality what you got for me, ay?” he couldn’t help it, the hurt of Ben’s taunt flickered on Callum’s face before he looked away from him, moving towards the window in search for more of that air that acted as an antidote for the toxic rage within him. Ben watched as Callum leant against the window frame, head hung and breathing deeply like he’d just run a marathon. When he turned around to face his boyfriend, there were tears in Callum’s eyes. 

“Why did you do it?” it was only just above a whisper, but that didn’t matter to Ben. 

“I dunno, was bored I guess" Ben shrugged. "Wanted someth-“

“No. Why did you leave the Albert with some bloke?” his voice was stronger now, not with anger this time, but with conviction. He was going to finally get somewhere tonight, start digging them both out of this pit they’ve found themselves in. He doesn’t care how long it takes, he’s going to do it. 

At Callum’s words the steely, stoic mask obscuring Ben’s face slipped. His eyes were soft again, a rare sight these days, and his mouth was slightly open in hesitation, he wanted to say the right thing, he didn’t want to hurt Callum any more than he already had. “I- I wasn’t tryin to get with him or nothin, I promise you that Callum, the thought didn’t even cross my mind, I swear.” Ben was standing close to Callum now, close but not too close, not close enough. “I was pissed off and wanted to lash out. The hospital appointment, you gate-crashing my meetin with Danny, me maybe bein stuck like this forever” he gestured to his ears as if it wasn’t obvious what he meant. Callum placed his hand on Ben’s shoulder, guiding him closer. He tightened his grip when tears appeared in Ben’s eyes, he knew that this was Ben acting out. He knew that Ben was trying to convince Callum and Danny and anyone who would listen that he was still the same Ben Mitchell that hell-be-dammed if you crossed. 

Despite what everyone else thought, Callum was smart enough to know that Phil played a part in this too, while he wasn’t around at the moment- which Callum was very grateful for- he would be back at some point, and he knew that Ben would be more nervous than ever for his return. He also knew that above anyone else Ben was trying to convince himself that he could still be the man he was, the man his father made him into, the man Callum wasn’t sure he wanted to be anyway. 

“I weren’t thinkin and I am sorry. But I meant what I said at the hospital, this ain’t gonna change who I am and it will happen again.”

That’s when something snapped in Callum, or maybe it clicked, but either way it was momentous. He could keep trying and trying and trying to help Ben, to get him to see the error in his ways, to appeal to his better nature to stop doing the things that chip away at his soul, to learn sign language. But at the end of the day Ben didn’t want his help, or if he did he had a funny way of showing it. Callum had drained himself over and over to help Ben, because he loved him, and he would do it again, and again. Callum would spend every day of the rest of his life helping Ben with whatever he needed. The warmth that had started to spread through him at the thought of spending his life with Ben was abruptly   
ripped away when the realisation hit him like a truck. 

Ben didn’t need him. 

It doesn’t matter what Callum thinks Ben feels about him, what he sends in a text when he’s worried for Callum’s safety. It his actions that speak volumes. It’s him consistently pushing Callum away whenever he tries to help, it the constant treading on eggshells and not feeling like what he ever does is enough or right. He knows its not fair to judge Ben for his behaviour since the accident, Callum couldn’t imagine suddenly losing one of his senses- one that was already so fragile- and being plunged into silence. But it’s not like Ben is alone, he has Callum, Jay, Lola, Lexi and his mum. He has all these people around him who love him so much and would do anything to help him but he just hits out at them, ripping the petals from the flower until he realises too late that there aren’t any left. 

Callum hates thinking these things about Ben, hates blaming him for how he’s feeling. He can’t imagine how isolated Ben feels but so does Callum. He’s been cut off from the man he loves, he’s here, Callum can touch him, feel him, but he’s not there, not really. It’s the most gut-wrenching feeling Callum has ever experienced, and although he doesn’t like to admit it, he’s had a life full of pain.

But Ben doesn’t want to help himself, and he won’t help Callum to help him so where does that leave them? With Callum bending over backwards for the rest of his life to do the best by the man he loves only for it to be met with insolence? For Callum to keep forgiving Ben for his outbursts and crimes? Where does that leave his aspirations to join the police? He knew Jack was right, Callum couldn’t pretend any longer that Ben’s criminal activity was conducive to his chosen career path, and as Ben seemed to have no intention of stopping that. 

Callum didn’t know what to do, in his 28 years of uncertainty, he had never felt as trapped or unsure as he did in this moment. He knew that he loved Ben, but he also knew that loving someone isn’t always enough. He loved Whitney but that wasn’t enough to make him live a lie for the rest of his life. He loved his brother but that didn’t mean he didn’t have days when he hated Stuart for all the terrible things he’d done in the past. 

Callum didn’t know what to say, he couldn’t think of the words to do justice to how he was feeling, for how unfair this all was, he finally found a man that he could love and they get all of this thrown at them. He looked up, into the pale blue of his boyfriend’s eyes, concern now clouding the edges of the emotionless stare he had previously adorned. He had no idea how long they had been stood there; Callum lost in the tidal wave of his thoughts. Their stare was intense, and Callum hoped that he conveyed what he couldn’t verbalise with his eyes, but he didn’t hold out much hope. 

His fight was gone. He was so exhausted, so physically and mentally spent that his body moved before his brain had the chance to catch up. He let go of Ben’s shoulder and walked out of the flat, slamming the door behind him. He didn’t know what he’d done, what it meant or what Ben would take from it, but it was done now. 

Callum took in a deep breath of the fresh air, waiting for its calming effect to wash over him, but this time it only made him feel even more sick to his stomach.


End file.
